So You Want To Date My Daughter

April 23, 2012

Fellow blogger and pastor Jared Wilson blogged about the twelve rules you’d need to follow to date his daughter. Never one to let an opportunity like this slide by, I decided to take my own stab, tongue in cheek, and present my own list.

1. You will know about Jesus before you go out with her. When I was your age no one had told me about him. Sure, I’d gone to church some, had some Sunday school under my belt, but for all of that I might as well have been a pagan. You don’t have to make a decision about what you believe, but the Gospel will be presented to you.

2. Let’s talk about sex. I know what goes through the mind of the average teen-age boy. We’re going to have a brief discussion about what sort of attention is or isn’t appropriate when it comes to my daughter. While I sharpen my Gil Hibben Pro-Throwing Axe.

3. I will meet your Mom and/or Dad. The vibe I get from them will say a lot about what likelihood you have of being more than buddies with my daughters.

4. I suspect that neither you nor my daughter will have much of your own money. Any money she has will be earmarked for savings, donation/offering, and fun. If she wants to spend her money on you, you’ll let her and vice versa. You have to work that out. If you marry her then that’s what should happen anyway. Truthfully, she’ll probably be in charge of the fundage if she’s money smart like her Mom.

5. Ninety-nine percent of what you post on Facebook, Twitter, etc. is either going to be boring or posing. People your age are almost never who they appear to be when they’re online. Heck, that’s true of people my age. Instead friending you and missing that glorious drivel, you’ll spend a good amount of time at my house and I’ll get to know the real you.

6. If you wear anything that says that Jesus is your homeboy or if you’re a preppy, there’s a good chance my daughter won’t have anything to do with you, unless it’s just to piss me off. I reserve the right to force you to wear one of my Hawaiian shirts if you come in here with that crap.

7. Young people are often jerks, but they might actually mature and become nice people. I know I did. If you’re a jerk on a regular basis, my daughter will jerk a knot in you if I don’t first.

8. I won’t be your pastor, but I’ll be here if you have any questions. If you don’t go to church you’ll come with us to the occasional service. If you do, then we’ll join you on occasion. If you’re KJVO, why are we talking again?

9. You’re going to say all manner of stupid things and pledge things that you don’t mean. My daughter will too. Maybe you’ll mean it one day. Maybe you’ll even mean it towards my daughter. Odds are good you’ll break her heart or she’ll break yours. If that happens you’re still welcome around my house. If you’ve made it this far you are probably an okay kid.

10. You’ll need time to talk, just the two of you. That can happen in libraries, movie theaters, shopping malls, McDonalds. Heck it could happen in her bedroom, but assume that both it and her phone are bugged and there will be no Fifth amendment or ACLU that will prevent everything recorded from going onto the Internet for all of your friends to see. I don’t think you want that.

11. I love someone with a sense of humor. My daughter will too. I know people that can make bodies and entire histories disappear. Isn’t that funny?

12. Ultimately it’s not my call to tell my daughter who she can and can’t “date”. Oh sure, I could say “You won’t have anything to do with that boy!” and I might, but we’ve all seen West Side Story (If you haven’t, you will. I have it on DVD.). I will trust her and you to honor my wishes and more importantly I will expect you to honor her. “No.” means “Hell, no!” when either of us says it, and if you can’t remember that, remember #11.

7 Responses to “So You Want To Date My Daughter”

  1. Good luck 😉 One of the great secrets of teenagerhood is that kids with high sex drives and inclinations to independence are impossible to reign in, and those who aren’t usually don’t require near the amount of effort implied in the above. In the long run, all hope you have of controlling and protecting your daughter ends sometime between her 17th and 22nd birthday. The character of your interaction with her in her teenage years will do a lot to set the tone for the quality of your relationship (or lack thereof) in her adult years.

    Not saying this to be a jerk, I just hear a lot in there that I’ve seen destroy those adult relationships. In the end, she owns herself, and only she will be able to take responsibility and consequences for her decisions, good, bad, or mixed. When a person hits physical adulthood, fostering trust goes a lot farther than imposing control.

    FWIW, and I do hope that your daughter’s adolescence is remarkably drama-free for all involved 🙂

  2. Oh I’ve dispensed with any thoughts of “controlling” my daughter. I don’t see anything in my post that’s destructive or even particularly controlling. Most of it’s tongue in cheek and a direct answer to the truly controlling points that Jared made in his post. I think you may be reading more into my post than is there. Or maybe I’m too close to it.

    And so far it’s been anything but  drama free.

  3. Aaah, I was lacking context of the post this was replying to.

    Sorry to hear it ain’t drama free. In that case I fall back to another well-wish:
    May your daughter’s adolescence provide you with excellent writing material! 😉

  4.  Thanks. It’s doing that in spades. 😀

  5. Funny stuff, Scott. We do everything we can to prepare our children for life and they still face it unprepared.  I think she’s getting a leg up with you as her father.  

    My daughter turns 13 this Summer and fortunately she still finds boys a little icky.  

  6. Thanks John! Yeah there’s not much you can do except your best (and pray… A LOT).

  7. Thank for posting this! I’ll probably retag this post in one of my blogs. I read the original post (from Jared’s blog), and felt too much “hate”, legalism, and control in it. You list more “guidelines” than rules, guidance, and heart-felt love toward inviting someone in your family. You didn’t come off threatening as the original did.
    Thanks for renewing my hope in Christian parents!

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