At Sea

I’ve been at sea (figuratively) lately. Lost. Struggling in a number of ways. This is hardly a new phenomenon for me. If you’ve known me more than a few months you likely know that I struggle with moodiness, depression, etc. etc. My faith walk is one area that suffers the most as a result of this. Or… if not suffers is perhaps a cause.

In any event this one was and remains particularly persistent. While I do feel better today than I have in some time, there is still a gauze over my spirit. Where once there was a crystal clear connection to the source of my beliefs (if battered by the occasional static), there is now for all practical purposes, nothing.

I was talking to a friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) about this and he said that he was experiencing something similar. In fact, if I’m not mis-characterizing what he said, he never really felt the same sort of emotional connection/resonance with God that I often talk about and that forms, or rather formed, the core of my faith. For him it’s more of an intellectual process.

I’m reading a couple of books by NT Wright (The Resurrection of the Son of God and Surprised by Hope) and they’re quite good and helpful. He presents some excellent arguments in my mind for the reality of the resurrection (if you want to deal with his arguments I suggest reading the books). It all feels more … intellectual than I’m used to though. Apologetics, even really good ones, seem less relational than the walk I’ve had with God to date.

We’re talking about the fruits of the Holy Spirit in church and the most recent one we talked about is patience. I’m having to rely on that to know how much longer I’ll be at sea. I’m not in my home port yet. Until then, expect me to drop the occasional note filled bottle over the side of my poor excuse for a sailing vessel.

photo credit Jimmy Coupe

  • RobAC

    Don't really know what to say Uncle Scott. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. What I can say from my experience is that this too shall pass so hang in there, wherever there is at the moment. Know that people who love you and respect and admire you are praying for you.

    I think that being somewhat intelligent makes the life of faith more difficult. There seems to be always the tension between head and heart, at least for me. It isn't that I believe less or differently, it just seems more abstract and further from reality (as I perceive reality at that moment.) But then again one of my favorite lines comes from Robin Williams when he said, “Reality, what a concept!”

    You're blog also reminds me of that old joke about the guy praying in the sanctuary, “Lord, please send me patience….NOW!” Waiting on the Lord can be one of the most difficult disciplines in our faith walk. Take care.

  • rock

    I have found this helps. Commit as best as you can to reading the New Testament at the rate of 2 chapters per day. This allows time to process and think about what you have read. Don't zip through it. With all the emphasis on speed reading, I think slow reading is best for contemplation and understanding.

  • spiritualtramp

    Very true Rock. Thanks!

  • spiritualtramp

    Hey. I knew if anyone had an inkling of understanding about this it would be you. Glad to know I'm right. I appreciate the prayers.

    I know I'm young and have a lot of road ahead for that patience to develop and I'm pretty sure that it will never be fully developed in this life time. That and as you say, the tension, makes life less than fun sometimes.

    I'll do what I can and walk as best I can. It's good to have excellent friends and family along for the journey.

  • RobAC

    I like the basic idea and the general thrust of what you say. I would say that there are portions of the NT where one may want to read even less than 2 chapters before contemplating what has been read. I agree with you, however.

  • http://kansasbob.com Kansas Bob

    What a great and transparent post Scott. Mostly I find that faith and trust are heart issues. I am not all that intellectual to begin with and when I try to be it is pretty depressing. Mother Teresa struggled with doubts even though she was a very strong believer. I think it is a part of life and (for me anyway) points to my need to engage life at a heart level.

  • spiritualtramp

    Thanks KB.

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